3 yardsticks

I wish I was nice                       
But I am not
I wish I was bad                    
But I cannot be  
I wish I was neutral                         
But I don't want to be!                                           


I wish I made the right choice 
But I can't   
I wish I made the wrong choice
But I would not 
I wish I make no choice at all 
But I am not allowed!

I wish I was brave   
But I am not
I wish I was lily-livered
But I don't want to be
I wish I slipped to being nonentity
But that is not me!


Shilpa Ramesh Maiya (Sakshi)

Pitter-patter

I now call it the 'sibilant music of the rain' or sometimes call it 'ebullient gushings'; depending on my mood. I was in Bombay last Friday when on my GTalk I put up a line that read: 'The sibilant music of the rain and Mumbai Magic!' That is the precise moment when I thought of the title of this blog - 'pitter-patter'!

Ah yes, you got it - Mother Goose and the other rhymes that we sang as children! I was suddenly caught up with "Fire in the Mountain Run Run Run" and "Ring-a-Ring-a-Roses"! But somewhere down the lane all the 'pitter-patter' died and we were chanting "little drops of water, little grains of sand" and even as you read it, I am sure you are completing the rhyme. Yes, I know :-)

Sometime later between Chiti Chiti Bang Bang and the Sound of Music came in 'W. H. Longfellow' as we put it then. And sonnets and ballads became the word-of-the-day. The Romantics came in with William Wordsworth - "And then my heart with pleasure fills and dances with the daffodils"!

Pause. Somewhere down the line you begin to think with an air of nonchalance that Longfellow, Wordsworth etc are stuff read by school children. I thought I was 'uber-cool' because just becuase I was caught up with the other literary buggers that I know of  like Piet Hein and his Grooks and W. H. Auden of late.... Pause again -
I read Longfellow's The Rainy Day again (after eons I guess) and I'll write it down for you:

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the moldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the moldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast
And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

Now do you call that juvenile?

Zindagi, or something like that ..

For the first time in life, I hate to admit it - I missed Ahmedabad! I know I must have lost my mind to say this. But its true. And as I say this I know I am contradicting myself. I had to go to Baroda last week and there I was left wondering... Ahmedabad is just three hours away!

Just three hours away --

Remember every night you used to listen to the radio on your cell phone. And every night the advertisements would announce "Amdavadnu radio... aha"!

I know...now I hardly listen to the radio.

Remember walking almost everyday to Himalaya Mall or C G Road just to entertain yourself? Or else knocking Dipti and Saurabh's door saying 'I am hungry'!! Yeah, Saurabh .... and considering he's probably got Pixar and Walt Disney in his stomach! Makes me smile. Or Dipti's good food..

Yeah... I now talk to them 'online' and READ -"Till know that You and I were just "Ape"ing the Aliens

  Guess what Darwin would say

  Must have turned in his grave"

And then seeing 'Welcome to Sajjanpur' when the Lehman Brothers had just shut their doors forever... The whole lot that included Mona, and Leela mam; laughing when probably lots of people across the globe were biting their nails...

Yet I'd say Ahmedabad was boring... lonely at night...

Man - Swati was good! Darpan Academy was even better and so was Gandhi ashram...
My constant companions - Sam and Pushkar. Sitting up late every night and talking gibberish! The best was having no groups. Friends, friends of friends and their friends were all welcome... I don't do that in Pune! Architects, Engineers, MBA grads, Social Science graduates were all together....

But I missed the tekdi there.. I missed 'chaila', 'gadhva' and 'dukkar'! Got sweet 'shak' instead of 'tikhat bhaji'...

But you got to shop!! And the material you got there, you wouldn't get in Pune...

Ah yes, that is true... But Sihagad is so close here or lets say Tamhini or Bhushi dam... All Amdavadis think of is Mount Abu, and for booze I am sure.

But you still miss Ahmedabad... you still miss the rickshaw wala's who put their feet out to indicate they are turning instead of using their hands...

Ah yes, and it still makes me laugh. I do miss it... But my heart screams boring and a sad place and my head  sings 'zindagi kaisi hai paheli'

Chala yete mi
Che
Aujo!

Sour Mangoes

I know I have been absconding for sometime now. No reason in particular really, just didn't feel like pressing that publish button even if I wrote a bit. But my surroundings are in a constant state of vertigo and I am goaded to write - finally!

There is a battle on two fronts really here. And while one is more enjoyable, the other - pungent. While the former can be ignored and is often not, the latter cannot be ignored but often is. And that is India's plight. And the motley of characters pitching in their own areas in both the 'battlefields' is a scene no doubt. The first is the IPL or as the newspapers put it the NRIPL, and the second is India's general elections. And while the drama is enfolding on both the fronts, I pause to write.

The gamut of players on both the fronts are, permit me to say, larger than life and their prowess is yet to unfold. Yet, you see certain streaks. I do not claim to know much about cricket, but I can surely speak of politics. Sharad turns the renegade again, I very vividly remember the time he quit from the INC on the grounds of Sonia Gandhi's nationality (1999). Now he seeks alliance with another 'turncoat', and is almost in tow with the Left parties. BJP does not seem to know where it is heading, fumbling along nothing really. Advani seems to be busy throwing brick-bats at Manmohan Singh. But of the last things I ever expected, was to see someone as educated as Manmohan Singh to actually react to Advani's comments in the way he did. An affronted Manmohan ignores Advani in a public meeting - highly unchaste - so I think. And then again you have 'apla munnabhai', who is leaving no stone unturned in his debut as a politician. You can see him using all the communal cards very well. Thank God he wasn't allowed to contest the elections. And untill the elections are over a lot more will billow within the political folds. Wonder how many will do the democracy dance the Chiranjeevi style!

And while purple and orange caps do their rounds at the IPL, the political scene is complex. Pune went to polls today and I cast my vote. A number of rich affluent neighbours of mine haven't, alas. And in the DP road slums, votes were bought for Rs 300, my maid informed.

To the politicians, who change their colour at the fancy of their will and advantage, here is an extract from my favouriate all time story:

`Who are YOU?' said the Caterpillar.
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, `I--I hardly know, sir, just at present-- at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'
`What do you mean by that?' said the Caterpillar sternly. `Explain yourself!'
`I can't explain MYSELF, I'm afraid, sir' said Alice, `because I'm not myself, you see.'
`I don't see,' said the Caterpillar.
`I'm afraid I can't put it more clearly,' Alice replied very politely, `for I can't understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.'
`It isn't,' said the Caterpillar.
`Well, perhaps you haven't found it so yet,' said Alice; `but when you have to turn into a chrysalis--you will some day, you know--and then after that into a butterfly, I should think you'll feel it a little queer, won't you?'
'Not a bit' said the Caterpillar.

Somehow they do not understand!
This summer I hear the mangoes are very few - thanks to the cliamte change.
Those few in the market - are sour!

61 years and still counting

"When Abhinav Bindra won India's 1st gold medal and the National Anthem was played did you get goose bums?" was the question someone asked me in the train yesterday (I was travelling home from A'bad yesterday). I could not answer the question honestly, primarily because I did not witness the event, but I am sure I would have felt the same. But that made me wonder, why is the older generation hell bent on pointing its fingers at the younger generation? Why do we always get to hear "Your generation....", I am sure you agree with me when I say its outright annoying. Goaded past endurance, I write this post on our 61st Independence Day.

61 years ago when the nation was born, bleeding with partition, and Nehru said "When the world sleeps, India will awake to life and freedom", ironically forgetting that at that hour, India was sleeping while the world was awake. Never mind the glitch. Now, I wonder how those million homeless from Punjab, Sindh and Bengal must have felt when they heard the lines of the national anthem for the first time.... "Punjab, Sindh, Gujarat, Maratha......... "? Homeless? Helpless? Never mind the helplessness. Nehru, in his long rule still perfected Democracy. He and his generation created India - the dams, the railways, the cities etc. At the same time, both he and his daughter perfected a corrupt system of bureaucracy, in the name of the poor - and we are still fighting its evils.

61 years of Independence and yet, we find ourselves incapable of fighting the evils of society. 61 years of Independence, 61 years of poverty, 61 years of caste system in an independent India, 44 years of economic fetters, 10 years of Blasts and we are still counting. Though, infant mortality has reduced, health and education (through the Sarva Shiksha Abhiyan) facilities have reached the interiors, the Mid-Day Meal Program (India's largest food distribution program for school children) has reached the interior villages, we have nurtured democracy and encouraged a plural society. This is an achievement in itself. Yet, India stands among the few countries in the world with highest maternal mortality (after Sub-Saharan Africa), we stand among the low ranking nations with respect to the Human Development Index only reiterated by the urban rural divide, we are still fighting terror in Kashmir, a large chunk of our child population is engaged in labour - on streets, in industries, in mills, in small scale factories. True famines are now a history and yet we find a large chunk of our population below poverty line (they earn less than a dollar a day) and do not get two square meals to eat. We are still a 1% economy. Alas...

We have no paeans to sing, only a tortuous roads to trudge. And while we carry on along the sinuous path, wondering whether the nuclear deal will pass, wondering whether there will be another dawn, like that of 1991, and whether success will finally dawn upon the ancient capital of Prithviraj. 'Our generation', for 'their' kind information is struggling, much more than them. We are often mired in between globalization, that urges us to take big strides, and a pathetically so-called socialist population policy that nips us often before we even get an opportunity. We are struggling between equity and equality - most politicians would mix up the two.

To those who say 'Your generation....', with effrontery I remind them that a lot of everything I just wrote is inherited from them itself, like palimpsest, layers and layers of deposits one generation after another. Every generation trying to correct the mistakes of the previous. Sure, it is a difficult task. And although I am not a great fan of Nehru, I'd end with what Nehru said 61 years ago -

"The future is not one of ease or resting but of incessant striving, so that one day we may fulfil the pledges we have so often taken..."

Happy Independence Day!

Jai Hind!

Odds and Ends

The world of DEVELOPMENT can get confusing at times. With so much happening at the peripheries, it sometimes takes a lot of you to just sit down and note a remarkable day. The plethora of these 'happenings' never cease to give you new insights, especially if you are the one working for the development at those margins where even a small change matters. At times you turn a blind eye to most things since you are often in the same rut.

Being the last remnant of the Urban Health Project I was to accompany my Professors while they entertained Dan and Beth, visitors from Gates Foundation on the 18th of this month. We had chalked out a visit to the Urban Health Center (UHC) and then to a slum in Ahmedabad called Bombay Hotel Slum where an NGO called Sanchetna. After this we planned to visit the Deputy Commissioner Health.

I will take you through the day some other time, but as a Medical Anthropologist (or at least someone who hopes to be one), there were some very important learnings that I carried back with me. And I fear to loose them if I don't pen them down.

Dan informed me that the Gates Foundation is to fund for Safe Motherhood Programs in India. And as we were talking he revealed that usually there are two types of models that you see in the field, one is the public private partnership model like the Chiranjeevi Scheme in Gujarat, the other is the most common grass root model of community mobilization. Now as donors the first model is more cost effective. Now this I realized is donor's perspective. He was right in some ways about the broad two models that exist in the field. But the donor's perspective I realized is an important learning when you have to market ideas. And since I am working on health policies, I know how important it is to sell ideas, and sell it well.

I kept thinking on this donor's perspective. And later discussed it with my Prof. I was relating to Deborah Maine 's talk in the institute on "Bridges of Paper Bridges of Steel" where she is of the opinion to build as many EmOC centers in the country to mobilize women directly to these service centers - her argument - instead of pushing women the rote way - from mid-levels to PHC's to CHC's to EmOC's 'why not get them directly to the EmOc's?'. That is really a point put forward well. The question I asked my Prof. was "How many donors are buying this idea?" Here is what he said, to quote him "Not many, you see donors also have their own agenda, their own philosophy. For e.g. UNICEF always looks at community participation. They believe in community mobilization. So they will never buy this idea." Yes, I had to agree to that. For instance children are UNICEF's bread and butter, UNFPA will always talk of gender perspectives etc. And yes, since I did my internship with UNICEF India, I have to agree with him when he says that UNICEF believes in community participation since it is at the crux of almost all their programs and projects.

What now happens at various peripheries is that programs become donor centric - you have either a community based model or a 'building model' (as I like to call it!) - since the implementers are funded by donors who are believers of one of the two broad models. The problem with the implementers is that most of them rely only on one donor. Here is something that most of us HAVE to agree, whether we like it or not - 'implementation TERRITORIES'.

Most commoners I meet talk about the way things function in the country, throw brickbats - not really knowing what hits us really. There is no dearth of ideas for sure... but with so many things affecting the odds and ends that really matter.....

BANG! need I tell more?

This happens only in India!

I am not supposed to really give you this kind of 'classified' information. But sometimes I really wonder if anyone reads this blog. But anyways, one day if at all I become this renowned researcher that I aim to be, this will help me keep a track of things, of everything I ever heard in the zillion meetings that I attended.

So, here is the Golden Knot!

Now all know that the World Bank funds a number of projects in a number of countries. To fund any project in any country, the norm is that the country submits a proposal on the basis of which funds are allocated.

Now, for some work, my Professor was looking for a proposal that the Government of India had submitted to the World Bank for funds. And, it is not traceable at both the ends! God, imagine that! And considering I know my Prof. well. I know he would not have said that unless he would have tried all known sources.

I imagine it is there somewhere in some stack that probably looks like this:

Caution: You may take this with a pinch of salt if you wish!

Will this ever happen in India?

I'm a bit late with this post, but never mind...

Here is a list of articles that I found in one of the leading Journal in medicine "The Lancet" has published

1. The Democrats' turn to lead.
- Published in 2006, the paper talks of the Democrats Health care initiatives such as offering tax credits and about the negotiations of drug prices with pharmaceutical companies etc.

2. Democratic victory could fire up health policy debates
- Published in 2006, the paper talks of issues the author hopes will be addressed by the U. S Congress like the expansion of stem cell research, pharmaceutical drug pricing, and health information technology.

I wonder, when we will ever have such debates and discussions? All we do during election season is talk about "Modi's diversionary politics", "Sonia Gandhi accused Modi..." and the likes.

Thankfully people do write about this too

3. India's health sector responds to new corruption charges

- Published in 2008, the article discusses how a World Bank investigation uncovered fraud and corruption in five of its Indian health projects. The World Bank found that many of the corrupt practices were related to procurement and included bid-rigging, bid manipulation, and bribery. Action taken was that GOI will now include the UN Office for Project Services for procurement for World Bank-funded health projects and a promise to strengthen transparency through the Right to Information Act.

Alas, the authors are not Indian's! (Let me point out here that I have not read the 3rd article completely, since the paper is not yet online. But that does not matter now. )

Though the third article is no big news (for most Indians and me, especially since I have a had long discussions on the disappearance of IFA tablets during RCH I), the point still remains: there are people out there who care about these things.

However, 'mundane' these issues might be, the erudite world still bothers. During the RCH I, everybody in the health sector spoke of the unavailability of the IFA tablets, but nobody, mind you, nobody bothered to write even a page on it (not that I know of at least). Alas!

And in the research world, people crib - "We don't have enough publications!"

Are we lazy?

No. I think not. We just dont know that every small issue is a matter important enough to be published and discussed.

...Knitting Words

I was looking through Life's latticed windows yesterday and memories were flashing by like a film on fast-tracks. I saw myself growing up: fighting with my sister, hugging my mom, arguing my point, laughing with my friends over a cup of coffee, giving missed calls, walking on the white beach sand with a friend, understanding a lot of thing through a few tacit words.... And then I looked at the words I had written a few weeks back....
I am hurt
I am pained
I am cindered
I am slain.
- SRM (Sakshi)
It seemed so complete then. And as I looked at it yesterday, as memories were flashing past, through smiles and tears, I somehow thought that those were still hollow. I thought of something and added another line. It now reads:
I am hurt
I am pained
I am cindered
I am slain
I am healed.
- SRM (Sakshi)
When I re-read these lines I was dumstruck.I was awed not by what I had written, but by the twist in the meaning of what I had written. I've always liked to read and write since a child. But I never thought of words as I did right then. Have you ever thought of how letters are embroidered into words, texts, passages and the finally pages and books? And knitting those words isn't simple. Really, i am quite astound. Adding a line changed a lot in what I wrote. And those very words give meaning to your life. If you are an avid reader you would know what I mean. Being one myself, books gave me a lot.

When I was doing my thesis; I had the most difficult time, I re-read the book, 'Jonathan Livingston Seagull' and it gave new meaning to my quest for knowledge. There was another time; the lowest in my life; when I read 'The Zahir', and it pulled me out of whatever I was going through. And what were these? In reality, they were nothing but mere words nestled in those pages, passages, texts and lines. Somewhere between those lines, sometimes, you find a time to rend and a time to sew. Sometimes, you find a new meaning to life. Sometimes a wake up call. Sometimes a helping hand. And sometimes just plain knowledge. Those words never leave you empty, that is for sure. And then I remember these words, I dont know who wrote them, but yes, they are full of meaning:

"Whenever the casual eyes are cast
The mighty minds of old
My never failing friends are they
With whom I converse day by day"

Water

Yes, I am still working on the story 'Missed Calls' that I had promised when I wrote 'Pandora’s Box' and it will come along soon. But for now, I want to write about “Water”.

Just last week Varsha’s husband was looking for some good music. We went to a music shop on MG road. While he was busy selecting what he wanted, I was looking around for movies and my eyes fell on the CD that read “Water”. Water – a Deepa Mehat film staring Lisa Ray, John Abraham, Seema Biswas, Sarla (Chuiya, the little girl) and others. Seeing the CD, brought back a conversation I had had then with a friend immediately after seeing the movie.

I remember telling him that the movie was good, and yet I was not happy with it. I remember telling him that it is an old story and was prevalent only in a part of India, West Bengal to be precise. Such things don’t happen any more now. I remember telling that that is not an India I want to project to the world. He told me of his grandmother’s story. She was widowed young. Her in-laws sent her to learn to type. And that is how she made a living.

Revisiting that conversation made me realise that probably at the same time when widows were burned or tortured, as the movie showed, there were also some stories where women were sent to school to help them make a living. I sat wondering why Deepa Mehta instead of showing a story like my friends grandmothers’ chose to show a movie like water. I mean why didn’t she show Savitribai Phule’s story, where Mahatma Phule taught her to read and write? Does she like projecting the evils of a society that is no longer existent?

And I am still trying to find the answers. I hate it when people make a living out of showing the ill’s of the society that I live in. Common, I bet there are things worth living for here. I bet there have always been small successes here. Why don’t we project them? If anyone can, then please give me some answers.