3 yardsticks

I wish I was nice                       
But I am not
I wish I was bad                    
But I cannot be  
I wish I was neutral                         
But I don't want to be!                                           


I wish I made the right choice 
But I can't   
I wish I made the wrong choice
But I would not 
I wish I make no choice at all 
But I am not allowed!

I wish I was brave   
But I am not
I wish I was lily-livered
But I don't want to be
I wish I slipped to being nonentity
But that is not me!


Shilpa Ramesh Maiya (Sakshi)

Anything for Modaks

… And I mean it! Anything for modaks! And not just any modaks, it’s about those delicious ukadiche modaks. Even if it means asking my Prof “Sir, where can I buy ukadiche modaks in Ahmedabad?” He smiles and very sweetly says “For that you’ll have to come to my house.” Yippeeeeee….. That is exactly what I wanted! Ganpati Bappa Morya! Mangal Murti Morya! Being shameless has its own advantages eh?

It’s about the mathematical formula A=B, B=C therefore A=C. I love modaks. Bappa loves modaks. So I love Bappa. Huh? I don’t know why I just wrote this line. Whatever…

If there's a movie you should watch its Mumbai Meri Jaan. Unlike the many cliché-ridden movies of Mumbai blasts, this one is different. It’s about the life after blasts. How people are traumatized and how life is never the same. But that’s not why I ask you to see the movie. You should see it for the it ends. They leave the movie on a positive note, in spite of a gibe on the media. If anything, Kay Kay Menon and Irfan Khan never cease to amaze you. The scene where Irfan Khan tries to rid himself of the stink of richness with mud totally touches you. But I repeat, you got to see the movie for the way it ends.

Coming back to Bappa. I was at home when sir said the Aarti. The Khirapat was simply awesome. That apart I had this very awesome Maharashtrian lunch – batatyachi bhaji, koshimbir (jyachyat danacha koot hota!), and varan bhat. Ummm…. I am sure a lot of you are very jealous. That is partly why I am giving the details and the specifics. But there are a few side effects – like fever! Alas, my happiness is marred.

Anyways, for another few days….

Ganpati Bappa Morya! Mangal Murti Morya!

What makes me 'me'

I’ve been wondering what makes me me. And while I was traveling down the memory lane I found a few things a few people told me that have shaped me in a number of ways. So I thought I’d just pen a few of the lines that I remember, although, I haven’t written who said it. I prefer to keep it to myself.

“Hope is a very bad thing, remove every bit of it.”

“There is light at the end of the tunnel.”

“Friendship is the best thing in the world.”

“Faith and hope is the worst combination you can ever have, I am happy because I have neither.”

“Har kutte ke din hote hai…yaar hum toh fir bhi insan hai…”

“Friendship is the best thing in the world.”

“Our days will come soon. And when do, there will be a bang, just like the one that probably happened during the Big Bang.”

“Whatever doesn’t destroy me makes me stronger. And whatever does (destroy me) helps me start afresh.”

“Only you have the power to make you happy/unhappy; no one else can.”

“Life is like a sine wave, after a trough, there will be a high, but then again, rest assured you are going down again.”

“If you want to know the true nature of a person, talk to his/her maid about him/her, you’ll know what he/she is – truly.” (And my mom says this!)

“Add some colour to life.”

“When you are walking on life’s road, you meet a lot of people. Don’t think about what people will talk about you because those who know you truly wont talk, and those that don’t always will.”

“A good man is as strong as the right woman needs him to be.” (This is actually a line from Shantaram, reiterated by a friend bringing the line back to my notice.)

“Never compromise on food.” (That’s my dad.)

“I don’t mind you spending on books; glean as much as you can from books, the knowledge thus gathered will remain with you – forever.” (My mom again)

“Humara number aayega!” (And that’s my best bud!)

“There are many ways of communicating.”

“Life is colourfull honey!”

"No one is perfect, you have to take the bane upon your shoulders to make that imperfect person perfect."

Generally blogging

Yes, I know I've been absconding for a while now. But there were so many things happening around me and I just could not help it. I know I got a lot of scraps on orkut asking me why I haven't written anything as yet and I conveniently deleted them from my scrapbook. And for those who scraped me about my wedding, please spare me, I am not committed to anyone and I do not plan to marry so soon. I deleted those scraps too.

I have nothing special to write actually. I went to the the great SBI Bank near my house today. The person who was printing the pass book was using his middle finger to type. God alone knows why. I mean why the middle finger to type? Wanting to know what is so special about it, I tried to type a few words myself the same way. Trust me, its hilarious!! That actually reminded me of Gaurav playing the game snakes on the cell phone. He plays it with one hand only!! Somewhere in the back of my mind I remembered Jim trying to teach him to use both his hands to play the game!! GOD!!

I just came back from my native place. I like to go when it rains there. Its fantastic. I've got to go back to Ahmedabad. I don't want to. But I have to. But don't be surprised if I quit in a week. I don't want to stay there. It brings a lot of memories to me.

My friends want me to see "Jaane tu ya jaane na". But I don't want to. One of the actors reminds me of a 'friend' of mine. 'Friend' because we no longer talk. And seeing that movie will remind me of all the stupid things we have done together. Its painful. Very painful. Especially since we parted without fighting. And yet there is still a lot of venom inside. No not venom, may be just pain. I don't know. I am not sure.

I had broken my chain, my 16th Birthday gift, sometime in March, March end actually. This time when I was in my native place. My family goldsmith repaired it for me. And it is with me now - again. That makes me smile. I just hope that all that was rent, is repaired and healed. I hope everything I ever lost comes back to me.

God I have to go to Ahmedabad. I don't want to go to Ahmedabad.

Ah, btw, I am allowing all those who have a Google account to post comments. That way a lot of my friends who don't blog can still comment.

Thanks for reading this trash.

Its Raining Men!

There is no one that I know who is not attracted by the sibilant music of the first rain. There are a million thoughts impetuously gushing with the rains. The feeling is tantalising. The first thing I do is rush to open my window to let me enjoy the water splashing on my palm. I then almost run to my laptop attach my external drive and listen - to Garwa. No words can describe the feeling, you have to do this yourself to know what it feels like.

The orioles of the parched lands are effusing the heat trapped in them. The smell of the of the wet sand after the first rain intoxicates you - especially when you think that the petrified, ossified surroundings are here to stay. And then the trees sway to the tunes of the rains, the little birdies on the trees are flapping their wet wings merrily and I am standing by my window in my room smiling truly. Such is the welcome that the first deluge receives.

In the background I hear

"...पहिले तळहात पहिला प्रेम

पहिल्या सरीच ते पहिलच थेंब

पहिलाच पाउस पहिलीच आठवण..."

It is almost two years now since I have enjoyed this. Two years back I was in Bangalore and it did not rain there then, I remember. Then of course, last year I was in Ahmedabad. Hmmm... some time it was! Dry, parched, barren.... The sparse rains did not soothe me. All that was in store for me were the heat waves, the scorching sun, the dry leaves, the dust and desert sand and the hard water. For the first time since I am since I am back home my mind goes back to Ahmedabad. Although I miss the peacocks dance, the reminiscent Ahmedabad no longer hurts. The rains, I now I think of it, are here to soothe the thirst.

Suddenly another song is being played in the background, another one of my favourites...

"खुशियौ की कोशिश मे

हर दिन दर्द झमेला है

बातों को टीम टीम करने दो

वह अँधेरा है..."

Soon grass will grow on defiant lands. A viridescent hue will spread across the landscape. The panorama to be etched on my retina.

Says who I am in Pune?

I am in Phonexia!

Into Nothingness

Its been about 20 days now that I quit Ahmedabad and I am home. And I am bombarded with a zillion questions:
So, why did you quit such a good job?
Oh, well just this and that...
Didn't you like what you were doing?
No, I loved it.... I mean how many at my age worked on policy making?
And what are you doing?
Recuperating...
From what?
Oh, umm.. a lot of things...
And how are you keeping yourself busy, apart from recuperating of course?
Oh, keeping up with my routine early morning walks, I read, I write and yes I've given my time to Sabery, a PhD student here in my Department, I'm helping him write his PhD thesis. He is from Iran and his 'Eenglish' is not very good. I am editing his thesis (alas, I am not gonna get the degree!!). Apart from that I am very busy trying to be a good girl. That really takes up most of my time. I am cooking here (believe it or not - daily!!) trying to do the house chores, and mind you - I am still a novice at it! And a lot of other just this's and that's.
So how is life treating you?
Life always rocked me!! (pun intended!!) Life rocks!!
And what are your plans next?
Oh, apart from recuperating you mean?
Yes....
Pampering myself!!
Huh?
Ok, apart from pampering yourself?
A little bit of bumming around...if you know what I mean... and a little bit of this and that...
Finding another job?
MAD-O-WHAT???
So how do you feel about you current endeavor?
Fantastic!!Can you see my smile extend from one ear ot another?

On the Streets

I always asked him to take me around if he was free. He knows all the places that I go to esp. work related. When I was new to Ahmedabad, and I had to go the Ahmedabad Municipal Corporation (AMC) for the first time alone, I had asked him. When my ex-colleague Amit and I had to visit the Urban Health Center we used to ask him to escort us. I remember Amit wanted me to taste the 'maska bun' near the CEPT campus, which indeed turned out to be excellent and reminded me of the 'maska bun' back home at Cafe Good Luck at Good Luck Chowk on F.C Road....hmmm... But that apart. I remember we treated him then. He was our rickshaw driver - Jitu Bhai!

A zillion things that can happen while you are traveling, but seriously, have you ever been treated by a rickshaw driver? Yeah, that is what Jitu Bhai did the other day. After a long time, I had to visit the NGO, and all I remembered was the location - Fatepura, nothing more. I was at my wits end trying to remember more. Thankfully, for me, Jitu Bhai was in his rickshaw outside the campus. He knew the place very well and undoubtedly took me to the place safely. After about an hour, when I was returning, I stopped to have pakoda's at one of the famous places. And as usual offered him some too. Initial protests gave way to acceptance after persistent pleading. And then suddenly he says "Madam aap chai pioge?". That actually made me say "...huh?". He repeated his question and added "campus ke paas bohut achi chai milti hai". And after considering for a while I conceded to his wishes. Not that I am a chai lover, in fact my friends will second me when I say I hardly ever have tea. But this was different. I knew he would treat me and I wanted to respect that. Respecting other people is important not just to tell them that they are important but more so to tell them that you respect them - as whoever they are. And I knew that treating me with chai was his own little way of giving me back and I could not overlook that. For years now I believed in the principle of 'Dignity of Labour' and I had to reciprocate back in some way.

He did not let me get down from the rickshaw - served me hot sweet 'adrakwali special' chai which i am sure he would not have had otherwise and we left after having chai. On the streets of Ahmedabad, Jitu Bhai's gesture had touched me deep inside. When I walked through the gates of my room - I smiled; truely!

Walkin on the streets I found this

... sure I do!

Urico-tale-ic

Very often I find myself leaving my room half an hour before so I can walk down to office. Today was one such auspicious occasion. There were thoughts buzzing like bees around me. I was thinking about the days work. About those transcripts that were waiting for me. I had to call my mother. I had to mail a friend. If anyone could see these thoughts they probably would see a hallow around me that would make me look like a savant. That apart, I was wearing this bright yellow and red shirt that read ‘Hare Ram Hare Krishna’. I was in bright spirits when suddenly ‘phat’! Some bird peed on me! Oh sheesh…

I tried tidying it up using the perfect paraphernalia - a dry leaf. It was perfect because it would not really spoil any more of my belongings. I mean, for Pete’s sake, wasn’t my shirt was enough! I sat all day, grumbling about it, trying to do my work, cribbing again about the birds, trying to concentrate… All in all I was touchy the whole day especially with the smell of urea, albeit a different one.

By noon my colleagues were tired of my constant bickering. And suddenly, Neha tells me “Hey you know it’s a sign of luck? Something really good is going to happen.” Really! I wanted to ask her who is the lucky one, me or Lord Rama since I was wearing a shirt that had his incantations. And if it was Lord Rama, I am sure he didn’t need any. But I chose to leave it at that and said nothing. And then Dipti says, “Was it a crow?” Huh? Isn’t a ‘bird’ enough? I just say “I don’t know and I don’t care”. “Because the crow is the luckiest” she tells me. Now, the discussion was getting to sacrosanct for me to tolerate…. And quiet honestly, if I wanted even an iota of luck, I would stand under the trees day in and day out and wait for the birds to pee on me!

Just then Lady Luck came calling, “Did you finish the transcript?” my boss had called up.

“Sir, I did about 40 minutes and I am left with another 30 minutes or so.” I answer knowing that I am lying through my teeth. I had finished 27 minutes of transcription and still had lots more to do.

“Can you finish it by today?” he asked.

“Umm…I’ll try, but I am sure I will comfortably finish it off by tomorrow evening.” I find myself lying even more.

I walked out for some fresh air.

The sky suddenly turned acid green. And in the uricotelic environs, I was pealing more onions.

Mirkwood was smiling...

Missed Calls

Like every Sunday I am having my favorite coffee: Devil’s Own at my favorite coffee joint Café Coffee Day or CCD as most of us call it. It’s a perfect blend of bitter coffee and sweet chocolate with whipped cream; the way I like coffee best, bitter-sweet! I was doing what I always do when I have my coffee: reading. Only this time I was reading Shantaram. Anyways, there was this group of young girls talking in Gujarati. One of them was telling the other in rapid Gujarati “Hey, I gave you a missed call. Your mistake you didn’t realize it.”

Ah, missed calls! When I was in college, I didn’t have a cell simply because I wanted a cell only after I started earning. Then these were the conversations:

“Hey Rohan, give me a missed call when you reach the station I’ll come to pick you up.”

“Pooja, I’ll give you a missed call when I leave home for college.”

“Aga Sulbha, Aditya will give you a missed call on your cell. And when he does do tell me. I’ll have to go and meet him.”

“Hey sorry yaar, I didn’t see your missed call. I didn’t realize that I have to come.”

“Gaurav, if Mandke Sir comes, give me a missed call. I won’t enter the class.”

“Once you reach, give me a missed call.”

Gosh! The list is just endless! And the conversations were stupid! And then during exam times there were these frantic messages:

During Demography paper:
“Hey, who cares what the definition of fertility or fecundity is? What if I define them as: fertility is the product of fecundity (capacity honey!!) Ha ha ha. Crapy man!”

“Who cares who started the census, Greeks or non Greeks, Ashoka or the Brit’s? Did you realise they have eaten up one hour of my study time!”

At 3 am: “Hey I am sleeping now I am really tired. Kal jo hoga who dekha jayega! Ram Rahim bachaye!”

During Archeology paper:
“Arey I am just reading man. Going crazy. Have you realized that everyone had broad jaws, robust body etc etc…. ”

“Mesolithic tools were a lot of nonsense. Chalcolithic tools were even bakwas. See I’ve already forgotten. Wonder how I am going to pass.”

“Saw Harappa in my two hour sleep yaar!”

Theory of Social and Cultural Anthropology:
“Arey, anyone has notes for this subject? I’ll come over and collect it and photocopy it right away.”

“Definition of Culture: Culture….hmmm…I know its spelling!”

“Theory? I don’t know what Social and Cultural Anthropology is!”

Medical Anthropology paper:
“Thou art the God of Medical Anthropology, O Gambo’s student. Teach me pluralism!”

“Hey I can actually visualize Gambo teaching man.”

Wonder what you got to say to that?
Wonder where I got all my crazy behavior from?
Now you know the answer!

Cutting Chai

Not that I am an avid tea or coffee drinker, but the memories that the cutting chai, especially the special chai that I recently had at the University’s oh so famous ‘closed canteen’, one of our favourite hang outs, brought back fond nostalgic moments. One glass of special chai takes its round with at least five people. And then, another glass, and another, and another! The ambiance of the canteen, those familiar faces that pass you, the wada pav or the masala pav in your hand …and the chai(s) taking its rounds! The bliss! Cutting chai and its nostalgia!

I'd call a place heaven, where each street has a memory etched in my mind. Each tree has its own significance. The school with its basket ball court, that house where a friend stays by the corner of that road, the sunset at tekdi, that ice-cream parlour, that cake shop, those lanes in the University, that canteen, those stairs, that wada pav wala, that misal, that bhel, that sabudandchi khichadi, that upma, that pohe, and then there is that cutting chai!

The smile is spontaneous, even when you think of cutting chai. Our logic used to be simple then, you get ¾ of a cup for ½ the rate, essentially economical for us as students. I remember a friend telling me that he can have two cups of cutting in place of just one cup of full chai for the same amount. That reminds you of the days when you used to have just enough pocket money and you used to try and save most of it, not for your bank account per say, but so you can see some movie when you wanted to bunk classes, or eat something delicious by the wayside restaurant, or to be able to go zoom on your bike to some place near by. But what does that have to do with cutting chai? One possibly cannot save so much buying cutting cahi! But back then I suppose it had everything to do with saving! Well whatever…

“There is some magic in it”, a friend said. It’s that magic that gets that spontaneous smile on your face. Cutting chai is more about sitting in leisure with your friends and having chai. You possibly would never sit with your date at a tapir! It’s about that comfort zone that you share with your friends, about those silly jokes that one cracks then, pulling each others leg, about a time when logic and reasoning have no place in your conversations. I guess that is why cutting chai is nostalgic. Not that it all begins or ends with cutting chai. But surely, one of the many nostalgic moments will be one with a cutting chai!